What Is Shame, Really?
Shame is a deeply painful emotion that makes us feel flawed, inadequate, or unworthy. Unlike guilt, which says, “I did something bad,” shame says, “I am bad.”
It’s not just a passing feeling. Shame gets stored in the body and mind. It can shape the way we see ourselves, our relationships, and our capacity for healing. Over time, it can lead to chronic anxiety, depression, perfectionism, or people-pleasing—and it often hides behind other symptoms.
Where Does Shame Come From?
Shame can start early. Here are some common sources:
- Family dynamics: If you grew up in an environment where mistakes were punished, emotions weren’t welcome, or love was conditional, shame may have felt like the “price” of belonging.
- Trauma: Especially interpersonal trauma. Abuse, neglect, or betrayal can leave us believing we were the problem—not the situation.
- Cultural & societal messages: Messages about who we should be (based on gender, sexual orientation, race, appearance, productivity, etc.) can create shame when we feel like we fall short or society sends messages that we fall short.
- Internalized criticism: Whether from others or our own perfectionistic inner voice, shame can become a familiar, ongoing narrative.
The Shame Cycle: How It Keeps You Stuck
Shame isn’t just a one-time hit—it spirals.
Here’s what the shame cycle often looks like:
- Trigger – Something happens that touches a tender spot: a mistake, rejection, feedback, or even a memory.
- Shame Reaction – thoughts that reinforce the shame (i.e. “I’m so stupid.” “I always mess things up.” “No one else struggles like this.”)
- Withdrawal/Isolation – We retreat. We don’t tell anyone. We hide, numb, distract, or overwork.
- Reinforcement – The silence confirms the belief: If people knew, they wouldn’t love me. Or: I have to be better to be enough.
- Repeat – The next trigger hits…and the cycle begins again.
What’s so cruel about shame is that it feeds itself. The more you feel it, the more you believe it—and the more alone you feel in it.
What Breaks the Shame Spiral?
If shame grows in silence, it heals in safe connection. Some ways to interrupt the spiral:
- Name it. Saying, “I think I’m feeling shame,” puts space between you and the feeling. You’re not bad—you’re experiencing something that has a name and a cause.
- Speak it (safely). Trusted relationships, therapy, or support groups are vital places to bring shame into the light. Shame hates being seen.
- Practice self-compassion. What would you say to a friend in your situation? How can you offer that same kindness to yourself?
- Challenge the story. Ask: Is this shame voice telling me the truth—or repeating something I learned a long time ago?
- Sometimes it can be connected to the past but also a current mistake, if this is the case it is helpful to be kind to the shame and consider constructive learning from the situation.
- Reconnect. Even small moments of connection—to others, to values, to your body—can begin to loosen shame’s grip.
Final Thoughts
If you’ve struggled with shame, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. Shame is something we learn, not something we’re born with. And like anything learned, it can be unlearned—with gentleness, support, and time.
You don’t have to stay stuck in the spiral. Healing is possible—and you’re worthy of it, even if shame tells you otherwise.