BREAKUP INSIGHT: How Attachment Styles Impact the Experience of a Breakup (and What to Do Next)
Breakups are hard. Whether it ended with a whisper or a bang, the aftermath can stir up everything from grief and longing to numbness or even relief. If you’ve ever wondered why some breakups hit like a tidal wave while others barely ripple the surface, your attachment style might be part of the story.
In Attached, Amir Levine and Rachel Heller explore how our attachment systems—wired from early relationships—shape how we connect and how we cope when that connection ends.
Anxious Attachment
People with anxious attachment styles often feel devastated by breakups. The loss can activate deep fears of abandonment, leading to obsessive thoughts, urges to reconnect, or intense self-blame. There’s a strong pull to find relief through contact—even if that means rereading texts, checking social media, or imagining reconciliation.
Try this instead:
- Set gentle but clear boundaries with yourself around contact (and social media).
- Practice grounding strategies when anxiety peaks—like deep breathing, movement, or naming five things you can see/hear/feel.
- Remind yourself: this pain is about more than this person—it’s your attachment system asking for safety. You can offer that to yourself.
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidantly attached individuals might feel numb or relieved at first. Breakups can register as a return to freedom, especially if the relationship felt overwhelming or too emotionally demanding. But emotions often surface later—sometimes in confusing or roundabout ways (irritability, flatness, or shutting down when dating again).
Try this instead:
- Resist the urge to minimize or skip over your feelings. You’re not “fine”—you’re likely protecting yourself.
- Create space to process (even if it’s uncomfortable). Journaling, therapy, or a quiet conversation with someone safe can help.
- Let yourself grieve at your own pace—and know that missing someone doesn’t necessarily mean you made the wrong choice.
Secure Attachment
Securely attached people aren’t immune to heartbreak—but they typically move through breakups with more internal stability. They can grieve, reflect, and accept, without collapsing or cutting off. They’re also more likely to seek support and take care of themselves during the process.
Try this:
- Continue tending to your well-being—sleep, meals, movement, connection.
- Reflect on what you learned from the relationship, and what you want to carry forward.
- Keep an open heart. Secure doesn’t mean “unbothered”—it means willing to stay connected to yourself, even through pain.
Healing After a Breakup: No Matter Your Style
No matter your attachment style, breakups offer a powerful opportunity: to get curious about your patterns, soothe old wounds, and move toward more secure ways of relating.
A few universal tips:
- Therapy helps. Whether you’re anxious, avoidant, or somewhere in between, a trusted therapist can help you untangle what’s yours, what’s historical, and what’s next.
- Community matters. Friends who can hold your grief without rushing you to “get over it” are gold.
- You’re not broken. You’re human—and attachment wounding doesn’t disqualify you from love. It just means you’re learning how to do it with more awareness.
The end of a relationship may feel like a collapse—but it can also be a beginning. A place to rewrite the story, gently and intentionally.