How Attachment Styles Show Up in Dating
Dating can feel like emotional whiplash. One minute you’re swapping memes and feeling hopeful, the next you’re ghosted by someone who seemed really into it. If you’ve ever wondered why dating feels so triggering—or why you keep ending up in the same patterns—your attachment style might have something to do with it.
According to Attached (the book) by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, attachment styles influence how we behave in relationships, including during those early, swipe-happy stages. Here’s a snapshot of how different attachment styles often show up in dating:
- Anxious attachment: You’re all in fast, prone to overanalyzing texts, reading into response times, and feeling a wave of panic if someone pulls away. You may ignore red flags in pursuit of connection, and dating apps can amplify the anxiety.
- Avoidant attachment: You might feel drawn to dating but quickly feel suffocated when things get emotionally close. You might chase the “spark” but lose interest when real vulnerability appears. Apps can be appealing because they allow for surface-level connection without too much intimacy.
- Secure attachment: You can tolerate the ups and downs of dating more easily. You’re open to connection but not overly preoccupied with it, and you’re able to communicate needs and boundaries clearly.
Here’s the trick: attachment styles tend to find each other. Anxiously attached people often feel drawn to avoidantly attached partners—and vice versa—leading to cycles of pursue-and-withdraw that leave both feeling frustrated.
Knowing your attachment style doesn’t mean diagnosing yourself out of love—it’s about increasing self-awareness so you can date more intentionally. The apps aren’t the problem; it’s how we show up in them that can either reinforce old wounds or offer a chance to practice new patterns.
Therapist tip: Notice how you feel before, during, and after interactions on dating apps. Is your nervous system in a frenzy? Are you ignoring your gut? Are you ghosting to avoid hard conversations or more intimacy? Start there.