Understanding Attachment Styles: Why We Love the Way We Do
Why do some people crave closeness while others pull away? Why do relationships that seem to have all the right ingredients still leave one or both partners feeling misunderstood or anxious? The answer often lies in our attachment styles—patterns of relating that shape how we connect, communicate, and cope in intimate relationships.
The concept of attachment styles was first identified through groundbreaking research by psychologist Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s. In her “Strange Situation” study, Ainsworth observed how infants responded to separations and reunions with their caregivers. The results revealed distinct patterns—secure, avoidant, and anxious attachment—that laid the foundation for understanding adult attachment in later work by researchers like Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver.
In the book Attached, psychiatrist Dr. Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel Heller bring this science into everyday relationships. They describe three main adult attachment styles:
- Secure: Comfortable with closeness, independence and direct communication, secure individuals tend to have healthier, more balanced relationships.
- Anxious: People with this style often crave intimacy but may worry about their partner’s love or commitment, leading to heightened sensitivity and fear of rejection.
- Avoidant: These individuals value independence and often struggle with emotional intimacy, sometimes feeling overwhelmed or smothered in close relationships.
Understanding your attachment style—as well as your partner’s—can change everything. As Levine and Heller explain, awareness allows you to make more informed choices in love: recognizing red flags, understanding emotional needs, and moving toward more secure connections.
While your attachment style is rooted in early experiences, it’s not set in stone. With insight, reflection, and often the help of a therapist, attachment wounds can be healed and new patterns formed.
Curious about your attachment style? I recommend reading Attached as a start! They also have a helpful quiz to get started (see the link below). Additionally, therapy can offer a deeper dive into how your style plays out in real time.
https://www.attachedthebook.com/wordpress/compatibility-quiz/