In any relationship (romantic or otherwise) the small ways we reach for each other matter. These moments, often called “relationship bids,” can either strengthen a connection or slowly wear it down. How we respond to them plays a big role in the overall health of our relationships.
Relationship Bids
A relationship bid is any attempt to connect with another person. It can be subtle, like a smile or a touch, or more direct, like saying, “I’ve had a rough day.” These moments might seem small, but they add up. When bids are met with care and attention, they build trust and emotional closeness. When they’re ignored or dismissed, they can lead to distance and frustration over time.
How we respond matters; there are three common ways people respond to bids:
- Turning toward: Acknowledging and engaging with the bid. For example, “That sounds stressful, want to talk about it?”
- Turning against: Responding with irritation, criticism, or dismissal.
- Turning away: Ignoring the bid altogether, whether intentionally or not.
Consistently turning toward each other helps relationships feel supportive and secure. Turning away or against, especially over time, can erode that sense of connection.
The 3 R’s of Healthy Relationships
Alongside how we handle bids, there are three core qualities to consider that help relationships stay strong: respect, responsiveness, and repair.
- Respect means valuing each other’s thoughts, feelings, and individuality. It creates a foundation where both people feel safe to reach out and be heard.
- Responsiveness is the ability to notice and respond to each other’s needs. It’s what allows partners to consistently turn toward one another.
- Repair is what happens after things go wrong. Being able to apologize, take responsibility, and reconnect is essential for long-term relational health.
How It All Fits Together
When respect is present, people are less likely to dismiss each other. When responsiveness is strong, bids are more often met with care. And when repair is possible, moments of disconnection don’t turn into lasting damage. Relationships are built in everyday moments. A quick check-in, a thoughtful response, or a sincere apology can make a bigger difference than grand gestures. Paying attention to bids (and choosing to turn toward them) goes a long way in creating a relationship that feels steady, supportive, and connected.
References
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2023). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert (10th anniversary ed.). Harmony.